Challenging Myself

I have always been naturally contrarian. Since birth I am told, so it is not a deliberate thing. Yet, At times I have fought the tendency. Of late, I have completely given up, not just this, but so many things. Life has been tough, overwhelming, not all bad, but new.  So, as many people begin to wrap up with this season, I have decided to take on new challenges. I have decided I want to write again. Why? Because my brain needs it; my soul needs it. I have hit a new stage of life, my eldest is off at University, very very happy, but also succeeding, which means she is not coming home. We knew this in our hearts, but the reality hit quickly. She is able to share her talents and see the world. Amazing opportunities are in store for her, but it is challenging for me to not have her in the same state.

Back to the natural contrarian, It is fall, it is raining and dark, it is time to put on a blanket and hibernate until the cruel Chicago winter is over. I however, have decided to take on a few new things, mostly habits. The first, writing here, at least once a week. Maybe about liturgical living, maybe about the challenges of working as a nighttime postpartum doula. Maybe just about why the trailmix I am eating needs more chocolate and less peanuts, or more interesting subjects, like how the college daughter is converting her peers at an evangelical university. Not sure yet. But, I will be here. Also, doing the Whole 30 for the first time, so I will be here and grumpy.

I hope you will join me, It has been a long time, and I am missing this outlet for me thoughts very much

The Soul Crushing loneliness of the Suburbs

This idea has been on my mind for a few days. I live in a large community, attend a large parish, am involved in many activities but, struggle with loneliness. I have a best friend, we text throughout the day, we see each other once a week, usually, we are both introverted extroverts. But, I feel so horribly alone. My husband works nights in a job he hates, and is not much of a conversationalist, plus with the limited time we see each other, we stick to the most important facts of the household. My daughter is 17, and I do consider her a friend, but, she is leaving for school in the fall, and will be 5 hours way, again limiting us to texts and facetime.

How is such a feeling so possible in today's very connected world. I think it is more possible than ever. True, genuine interactions are so limited. If I did not have my once a week with K, I would lose my stuff. I feel out of place everywhere, but upon reflection, I think that is my pride. We live in a affluent suburbs, but do not live the comfortable life of many in our community. That isolates me. I need to put on the act that we do belong here, and shut people out. They cannot see my real life, the tears over bills unpaid, the worries that a job will be cut, the silence over the fact that my husband hates his job with his whole being, but has few options anymore.

Conversations stick to the surface, kids activities, my job college plans. No deep discussions of theology or art, or politics, no dreaming with friends about growing old, just coffee, wine and weather. The days are long and lonely. The parents of kids friend's are usually older, at a different stage of life, where I still secretly hope for another baby, they are seeing grandchildren start to come.

I have no solutions, I just long for more adventures with someone dear to my heart.