I can admit to having absolutely no faith in my ability to do anything. Truly, it is a nothing short of a miracle that I accomplish anything. Take this moment for example, I’m supposed to be writing an essay that will complete my doula training. And, what am I doing, drinking coffee, listening to sappy music and writing on my mostly ignored blog. Why? because I cannot articulate the 1000 words that I need to to get the darned thing done.
I’ve been working on this for months, all I need to do is put 1000 words down on paper, 1000 words that meet pretty strict guidelines, that are supposed to sound like I know what I am talking about. But, as usual, I know in my head what is true, but I cannot express it, because I’m not sure I provide the services that I am describing.
It doesn’t matter how many people tell me I am doing fine, or that they think I am good at what I am doing, I don’t think that, and therefore I cannot attempt to promote myself. I lack confidence.
My daughter on the other hand is a big ball of self-belief. How it is even possible for me to have offspring with so much confidence is beyond me. She is faced with some pretty serious auditions in the next few days, and is handling it all with amazing grace, believing that she is the best. She may not be the best, but her ability to believe that she is often makes up for her lack of a small skill. How did I raise this child? How did she get to be so self assured? I think it may have something to do with my belief in her, her father’s belief in her. We think and know she is great at the things she does and are honest with her, in loving ways, when she is not. I never had that.
